NYU announces permanent transition to online university – Washington Square News


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After adjusting to distance learning, NYU announced that it would become a permanent online university.

NYU recently announced that it will follow the lead of online institutions like the University of Phoenix and become a strictly online university, starting in the fall of 2020.

In the wake of the coronavirus pandemic, universities around the world have been forced to switch to distance learning to protect their students. This included NYU, a school well known for being an institution in person, or as she likes to put it: “in and out of the city. ”

However, that will change soon according to a college-wide email from NYU President Andrew Hamilton.

“NYU has long been a leader in higher education,” the email read. “As a university, we have chosen to continue this leadership as the largest private organization in the world. non-profit online university.

Despite previous claims that distance learning is costing the university “millions more”, Hamilton admitted that this was in fact misleading. “It initially cost us more to make the transition,” the email explained, “but once we got up and running the cost to us was significantly lower.”

“It’s kind of like when you buy a beach house and rent it out,” he continued, thinking he was making a relevant comparison. “Yes, at first you are going to pay more to buy the house, but eventually you get it back. However, in the case of the NYU beach house, we didn’t make any money. We just gave it to John Sacristan. “

“We have found that it is just too expensive to run the university in person,” Hamilton’s email continued. “Even if each student takes out loans – private, of course – they will never be able to pay them back while they are alive, university administrators struggle to become billionaires. It is quite unfair to the administration.

“Of course, even though we’ll spend a lot less money, we’ll still charge students the full tuition fee of $ 82,000 per year, and add the $ 15 fee to the Zoom fee to allow meetings to last longer than 40 minutes, ”Hamilton explained.Did you think we were gonna pay for this? Fuck no! Dad needs money for lunch.

Hamilton addressed the possible controversy early on.

“Some may say that the quality of education can be considerably lower online for majors like drama, science or nursing,” he wrote. “But you forgot that you don’t pay lip service to get a great education from NYU, you pay lip service to say you got a great education from NYU. So how about grabbing your fucking diploma, taking a crappy photo in front of the arch and shutting it up? “

However, a qualifier was attached at the bottom of Hamilton’s email.

“April Fool!” the email reads. “I got you! You should have seen your stupid face! Classic. You still don’t get your tuition back anyway. That part was real.

Off-Third is the satirical section of WSN. Try not to take us too seriously.

This article is satirical and all quotes and events are completely fabricated unless otherwise noted.

Email Noah Friend at [email protected]

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